My Confession

I have a confession to make. It is one that I am considering if I should state even as I write this.

Everyone has a problem. A struggle. A "thorn in the side," if you will. I am no different.

I say this with the hope that my friends can accept that "sin is sin, no matter what it is."

Last thing I want to say before I say it: I have only told one person this. EVER. (Besides God).

I have a problem with masturbation.

It looks like such an ugly word. I hate to even look at it. But it's the truth. I'm told it's the truth for more than just me, too. I'm told there are many out there who have the problem.

But it sure doesn't feel like it.

Now that the initial shock of saying it is over, I will tell you some back story. This very morning (Monday), I realized that it was a problem I was half ignoring. I was trying to fight it, but not with God's help. When in the car on the way to work it occurred to me that confession was needed. Not just confession to the one person I told, but confession to the world.

And so that's why I'm writing this. No other reason. I am now looking within myself to struggle out the problems of masturbation.

Why is it wrong?

What does God say?

How do I work through it?

How do I remove myself of this slave-driver?

These are the questions I ask. I must look within myself and to God. I've always been told it was wrong, and took it for granted. Now I intend to believe it.

I don't know how many people out there have the same problem, but I do have one thing to say: I feel your pain. If you've ever had to fight it, I know what it's like. I know what it's like to lay in bed and swing from one fence line to the other. I know what it's like to wake up, pissed at myself. I know what it's like to feel the desire. I know what it's like...

I'm ashamed of myself. Please, do not try to give me advice, even if you feel compelled to do so. Just accept me.

Lord God, please accept me...

Fuck vs. Love

If I was married to my girlfriend and walked up to her right now saying, "Baby, let's fuck," her response would be NO! But what's the difference between fucking someone and making "love" to them? They're just different words for the same thing.

I want you to know that I don't usually use this kind of language, so I'm really exploring something different. But it has to be explored, because otherwise I won't know.

So I ask again: is fucking my girlfriend and "loving" her different things?

Or are they the same?

Let me tell you about Jewish marriages in Jesus day: sex was marriage. You see, they took their vows at the alter under a choopa (hoo-pa). This choopa symbolized God. After the vows, it was moved into the bedroom and put over the bed where the couple consumated their marriage. When they were done (having sex), they came outside where everyone was waiting and partied. Sometimes for days (as we see in the wedding at Cana).

I think we can also determine that God is not anti-sex just by knowing he created it as the only way for procreation.

So, does God care if I love my girlfriend or if I fuck her?

I think he does.

Ephesians 5:21 reads: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

This word submit means to give fully. It has nothing to do with who's on top. It only has to do with who's giving themselves all the way. I think that if I were going to have sex, I would want the person to submit themselves to me. And I think they'd like it if I submitted myself to them.

Ephesians 5:33 talks about husbands loving their wives as themselves and wives respecting their husbands. There are many layers to this, but I think on one layer God is saying "Give yourself FULLY during sex. Be united!!!"

I think a couple can be united in everyday of life. But I also think that there is something special at the moment of consumation. I think it's a deeper union. And I don't think it can happen unless both people are fully giving themselves. Submitting.

Can you fully unite with someone if you're fucking them?

Can you fully unite with someone if you're loving them?

Or can you only fully unite with a person when you're submitting to them?

Maybe. Maybe not. That's for you, them, and God (together) to decide.

May you come to see that love is the complete giving away of yourself. May you see that union only comes in this complete giving away. And may you see that our perfect example of submission already exists: Jesus Christ.