Family and Agape Part 1

In Luke chapter 2 we read that Jesus' parents were loking for him. They went to Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover, and about a day into the return journey they found he was gone. It took them three days total to find Jesus. He was in the Temple, and when his mother told him how scared they were, he replied,

"Why is it that you were looking for me? Did you not know that I had to be in my Father's house?"

That doesn't sound very respectful or loving, does it? That's why we can learn a very important lesson from this. Jesus had desire. He said, "I HAD to be in my Father's house." It wasn't just that he wanted to be there; he needed to be there. That's how much he loved God. That's how much he desired God.

We often have pounded into our heads that family is everything. Family is number 1. But God says he is number 1, and Jesus felt this dedication. This is one of the main characteristics of Agape: dedication. If you Agape something, you are dedicated to it.

Desire and Dedication are two things essential to love in any life. If you don't desire something, you can't love it. And if you can't dedicate yourself to something, you can't love it either. It's a two way street.

And so, I have to ask, what do you Desire? What are you Dedicated to? What do you Agape?

Think about it seriously. It's no small matter. And remember that you can Agape more than one thing at a time. Consider if the things you Agape are worth it. Are they worth your time? Do you have a real desire, or a fake desire? Is being dedicated to them draining you, or filling you up? All of them are important questions with important answers.

And remember that God wants to be on that list--at the very top, in fact.

Moving Forward

I wanted to clear up the whole sexual end of Agape because that's where my mind was. That's what I, as a guy who has dated for three years, think about. That's what I WAS concerned with. And now I'm through it. People, we are on to bigger and better things. Yes, the sexual life and Agape are truly wonderful things, but that's not it. There's a whole life we should be living that we may or may not be living. This is what we are going to explore, in depth, indefinitely. Through the next teachings we are going to study the Bible like never before (or at least I'm going to). It's going to be a time of challenge and struggle. I want to let you know that I am not an authority of any of this. I've never had an Bible School. I've never been officially taught.

And so, I take the right to change my opinion. That's the only way I can grow. If I say something now and then change it in a future post, please accept me for who I am: human. I learn, discover, and change my mind accordingly. We can only hope that God is involved in all processes (and I pray so).

God loves people. No matter what you accept, you have to accept that, and if you don't, you have to at least consider it as a fact. He loves us with an undying love. It is a love that people have compared to large bodies of water and gigantic amounts of space. It's a love that nobody can fully comprehend. But we can know it.

There's a very big difference between knowing something and comprehending it. I know my girlfriend on a very personal basis, but I will never be able to fully comprehend her. I can't one day get to the bottom of her and decided there's nothing left for me to understand. It's physically impossible.

It's the same way with God's love. We can know it, but we can't comprehend it.

I can't comprehend why God loves me. I'm a masturbating-lying-selfish-want-things-for-myself-but-don't-want-to-appear-that-way kind of person, but God still loves me. It doesn't matter if I'm trying to fix these things or not; he still loves me. I could jump off a bridge in hopes of dying; his love for me would still exist. Yelling and cursing his name won't make it go away.

HE LOVES ME.

And, HE LOVES YOU.

The love he has for me he also has for you. That's how it works: it's there for everyone.

He loves us.

It is with this in mind that we begin our journey.

Please, join me...

Questions

We've reached the end of our journey through the land of Eros, so we're going to move on. But before we do, I want us all (me included) to consider some questions. I actually suggest that you print them off and write an answer to them (I am). If you feel so brave, you can even e mail your answers to me. I'll switch with you and you can view mine ;)

(NOTE: Because I am taking time with the questions, and hoping you'll do the same, I will not post on Sunday the 29th. Posts will continue on Monday the 30th).



1) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AGAPE AND EROS?













2) DO YOU LOVE YOUR SPOUSE/BOYFRIEND WITH EROS AS WELL AS AGAPE?











3) HOW?











4) IS THERE A BETTER WAY YOU COULD SHOW BOTH OF THEM?









5) DO YOU HAVE A SEXUAL SIN YOU NEED TO OVERCOME?









6) WHAT IS IT AND HOW DO YOU OVERCOME IT?











7) COME TO THINK OF IT, WHAT DOES GOD SAY ABOUT IT?







8) WHAT DOES IT MEAN FOR YOU TO BARE YOUR SOUL TO THE ONE YOU LOVE?









9) THINK ABOUT THE WORD SUBMIT. DO YOU PRACTICE IT GOD'S WAY?









10) WHAT IS GOD'S WAY?









11) CONSIDER SEX. DO YOU HAVE IT WITH A PURE SOUL?









12) ARE YOUR KISSES PURE?









13) YOUR EYES?









14) WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE AND ACT PURE?









15) HOW DO YOU SHOW THE ONE YOU LOVE AGAPE AND EROS, SIMULTANEOUSLY?











15) AFTER YOU'VE ANSWERED THAT ONE: HOW DO YOU SHOW THE ONE YOU LOVE AGAPE AND EROS, SIMULTANEOUSLY? (Yes, it's the same one....think about it some more).

Bedroom Talk

Let's talk about sex and Agape.

Yup, sex talk from a virgin. Great, isn't it?

I think too many people believe that once you get married, the bedroom is a playground allowing anything (note: I'm not even touching condoms and birth control). But is this true? Is this how God sees it?

What does God have to say about sex and sexuality, especially in connection with Agape?

In order to help answer these questions, I'll be referring to a previously written post (Fuck vs. Love). I would like to note that I will now not type the "F" word again; I will make illusions to it (yes, I have a problem saying and/or typing that word; words are powerful).

We discussed earlier that submission is the key to good Eros, to essentially have union with a person rather than just having sex with them. I think this is also the key here. Just because you're married doesn't mean you're always going to treat your spouse as the person they deserve. Fights happen, and mean things are said. Things are fixed afterwards, but that doesn't change the fact that it happened.

The same thing goes for sex. It is possible to treat your spouse as an object when having sex with them rather than the special person they are. It is possible to decide to take what is wanted, rather than to give what is needed.


SUBMISSION IN THE BEDROOM

I believe certain sexual acts are bad no matter what. For example, I'm never going to have sex with my wife without being able to see her eyes. I want us to be able to see into each other's soul, and I want her to feel the same way. The additional side affect to this is that our soul has to be "pure" for us to have sex, otherwise the other person will know. We have to be having sex out of love for one another.

This is where Agape comes in. When having sex, I believe Agape is as much involved as Eros. Why? Because it's not a true sexual union unless you love the person completely for who they are. Sex is as much about pro-creation and union as it is about giving yourself up for that person. That's what sex is: giving yourself up for the person.


THE QUESTION

Sex is not a subject that I am experienced in--I really don't know what to type from here. I do want to stress, though, that I do not believe everything should be done in the bedroom. Paul says that everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Please, consider this when you have sex. Yeah, you can do it, but is it really the best for the two of you?

How do you show YOUR partner Agape in the bedroom?

How do YOU submit to THEM?

Baring the Soul

Katie is Catholic. I am not. If you know anything about religion, you know this could be a recipe for disaster, especially when you throw in that she's a devout Catholic and I'm a devout Christian (no, I'm not saying she's not Christian--I'm being technical). She believes the Catholic Church is the One True Church; I believe all Churches that follow God are God's Churches. See where things could go really wrong in our relationship?

Near the beginning of our relationship I started praying for God to teach me how to love (agape) Katie. I knew that I couldn't do it alone (not that she's not lovable...). To be able to do that though, God taught us that we also have to learn to be honest with each other. We began asking each other "What are you thinking about?" The most common answer was "I'm tired."

See that getting anywhere?

But, you know, it did.

Today we are still struggling with the answer "I'm tired," but it's getting better. In fact, we were able to sit down and bare our souls to each other.

Have you ever done that? Bare your soul?

It's when you sit down and tell the person you're with everything you feel, regardless of how it may affect them. And they do the same for you. It may sound like I'm creating a way for me to say mean things to people, but I'm not. I'm talking about opening yourself up, not tearing others down.

Friday night a friend of mine taught me the perfect way to communicate that I am shocked I haven't learned before. She said, "Start with 'When you...I feel.' " (Note of disclaimer: This is the exact quote. I would rather start with "I feel" so that it doesn't point fingers at the other person). I was absolutely amazed at her advice. She's right. These are the words one uses when baring their soul.

Back to Katie and me baring our souls: It was the most humbling experience. But it was what happened afterwards that brings tears to my eyes.

She called me, crying. She couldn't figure out some college thing. Now see, I was with my family that was in town visiting, and I had only one day to see them. But I knew something was up (could've been the crying...), so I stepped out onto the porch. I asked her: do you need me?

She said YES!

I was completely amazed that she still loved me and NEEDED me after we showed each other our deepest beliefs. I was completely amazed that I still NEEDED her.

We are taught that to need somebody is wrong, but why? I don't think it's so bad.

And as I sat in a chair next to her that evening, helping her at the computer, I realized how lucky I was to still be sitting next to her. It wouldn't have been hard for us to part ways; I could've been in another chair that evening instead of sharing one with her.

LIQUID AGAPE: the kind that runs through the viens.

(NOTE: I am NOT claiming that Katie and I always show AGAPE to each other or anyone else for that matter--especially me to myself (see previous post). I'm just pointing out one instance where we were able to show it to each other).

My Confession

I have a confession to make. It is one that I am considering if I should state even as I write this.

Everyone has a problem. A struggle. A "thorn in the side," if you will. I am no different.

I say this with the hope that my friends can accept that "sin is sin, no matter what it is."

Last thing I want to say before I say it: I have only told one person this. EVER. (Besides God).

I have a problem with masturbation.

It looks like such an ugly word. I hate to even look at it. But it's the truth. I'm told it's the truth for more than just me, too. I'm told there are many out there who have the problem.

But it sure doesn't feel like it.

Now that the initial shock of saying it is over, I will tell you some back story. This very morning (Monday), I realized that it was a problem I was half ignoring. I was trying to fight it, but not with God's help. When in the car on the way to work it occurred to me that confession was needed. Not just confession to the one person I told, but confession to the world.

And so that's why I'm writing this. No other reason. I am now looking within myself to struggle out the problems of masturbation.

Why is it wrong?

What does God say?

How do I work through it?

How do I remove myself of this slave-driver?

These are the questions I ask. I must look within myself and to God. I've always been told it was wrong, and took it for granted. Now I intend to believe it.

I don't know how many people out there have the same problem, but I do have one thing to say: I feel your pain. If you've ever had to fight it, I know what it's like. I know what it's like to lay in bed and swing from one fence line to the other. I know what it's like to wake up, pissed at myself. I know what it's like to feel the desire. I know what it's like...

I'm ashamed of myself. Please, do not try to give me advice, even if you feel compelled to do so. Just accept me.

Lord God, please accept me...

Fuck vs. Love

If I was married to my girlfriend and walked up to her right now saying, "Baby, let's fuck," her response would be NO! But what's the difference between fucking someone and making "love" to them? They're just different words for the same thing.

I want you to know that I don't usually use this kind of language, so I'm really exploring something different. But it has to be explored, because otherwise I won't know.

So I ask again: is fucking my girlfriend and "loving" her different things?

Or are they the same?

Let me tell you about Jewish marriages in Jesus day: sex was marriage. You see, they took their vows at the alter under a choopa (hoo-pa). This choopa symbolized God. After the vows, it was moved into the bedroom and put over the bed where the couple consumated their marriage. When they were done (having sex), they came outside where everyone was waiting and partied. Sometimes for days (as we see in the wedding at Cana).

I think we can also determine that God is not anti-sex just by knowing he created it as the only way for procreation.

So, does God care if I love my girlfriend or if I fuck her?

I think he does.

Ephesians 5:21 reads: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

This word submit means to give fully. It has nothing to do with who's on top. It only has to do with who's giving themselves all the way. I think that if I were going to have sex, I would want the person to submit themselves to me. And I think they'd like it if I submitted myself to them.

Ephesians 5:33 talks about husbands loving their wives as themselves and wives respecting their husbands. There are many layers to this, but I think on one layer God is saying "Give yourself FULLY during sex. Be united!!!"

I think a couple can be united in everyday of life. But I also think that there is something special at the moment of consumation. I think it's a deeper union. And I don't think it can happen unless both people are fully giving themselves. Submitting.

Can you fully unite with someone if you're fucking them?

Can you fully unite with someone if you're loving them?

Or can you only fully unite with a person when you're submitting to them?

Maybe. Maybe not. That's for you, them, and God (together) to decide.

May you come to see that love is the complete giving away of yourself. May you see that union only comes in this complete giving away. And may you see that our perfect example of submission already exists: Jesus Christ.

Don't say it; Spray it!

I love my girlfriend. Let me rephrase that. I EROS my girlfriend. And I tell her that everyday I see her.

"Katie, I love you."

"I love you too."

That's a good thing. I'm letting her know that I'm attracted to her. I'm letting her know that she's still pleasing to me, physically. She needs to know this. She's a woman (a species that should always be assured they are wanted. Trust me, they're not the only ones...), and I need to constantly tell her that I still enjoy kissing her, holding her, whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

But when I say, "I love you," that is the only thing I mean. I don't mean that I Agape her. I only mean I Eros her.

On the other hand, I enjoy doing things for Katie. Two nights ago my Aunt was down from Northern Washington. On an average I get to see this Aunt twice a year. While I was sitting down and eating, I got a call from Katie. She was in tears.

I asked her one important question: do you need me?

Family or not, sickness, health, crying or happy, I will one day pledge to be there by Katie's side. But I'm not waiting for marriage. It happens now. I should show her I Agape her NOW.

I have some married friends who I was talking with last night. It amazes me how much they talk. As I sat with them, they entered into one of their conversations. She told him that she thought they were approaching [the situation we were talking about] the wrong way. The conversation that followed was complete honesty, all the way. Agape.

S/He falls down; you help them up. AGAPE.

S/He suffers; you hold their hand. AGAPE.

S/He calls on you for help; you don't hesitate. AGAPE.

Agape is pure, action-showed love. You can't say it; you have to spray it.

Vague Americans and Specific Greeks

Our problem when translating the word "love" from Ancient Greek to English is a big one. Anceint Greek has three words for love, while English only has one.



Philia

If I said I loved my family, I would probably mean Philia. If I said I loved my friend, I would probably be Philia. Philia is loyalty, trust, and friendships.



Eros

Wikipedia will tell you that Eros does not have to be a sexual love, but I disagree. Eros is similiar to the word "erotic," and has that type of feel. This love is required for you to marry a person, and even date them. It is the love that says, "I am attracted to you."



Agape

Agape is the all enduring love of God. But don't get confused; this love isn't perfect. It's how you use this love. When God says in the Bible for us to love our enemies, he means Agape. But when Paul says in 2 Timothy 4:10, "For Demas hath forsaken me, having loved this present world...." he means Agape too (wikipedia.org). Agape is a love of total commitment and self-sacrifice.



Liquid Agape

Liquid Agape isn't just about Agape; it's about all three of the loves. They are not the same, and they are not interconnected, but they are fulfilling of each other. We are going to explore this is in the posts to come. We are going to explore how we really love people. And we're going to start where love is the most personal to me: between my girlfriend and me.

Liquid Agape

Liquid Agape?

What is it?

Is it something?

Or is it someone?

Can we have it?

Or is it untouchable?

What does Agape mean anyway?

So many questions...so many questions.

In Jesus' day, it was common to ask questions. In fact, he encouraged his disciples to ask questions of what he was saying. But sadly, we have been taught that questions are bad. We have been taught that to ask "What if..." is a cardinal sin. We have been taught to accept whatever is handed to us. And when people ask questions, it annoys us.

The truth is that Jesus LOVES questions. He loves it when people ask him things. He loves it when people argue with him. He loves it when people search him out.

I argue with my girlfriend. Not often, but I do it just the same. Our latest one was probably the worst. But it was also the best. There's something special about a couple sitting down and baring their souls to each other. Sitting down and saying, "This is what I think, what I believe." And we did that. And I never kissed her so passsionately afterwards. Why? Because we were closer because of it.

It's the same with God. He wants that closeness of after the argument. He wants us to question EVERTHING we are ever taught.

And so, through this journey, I hope that you do that. That you question deeply what you read and think. What you are taught.

And now, may God be with you and keep you. May you wrestle him, realizing it is the best way to grow closer to him.

And may you realize that God loves discussions that start with: "What if..."